In almost any FBI crime database, you will find a large list of murders and their causes. In 2017, a new record cause is expected to be listed and it most likely won’t be causing any debates on gun rights. As the latest season of The Walking Dead has begun, spoilers of every sort are finding their way onto Facebook and Twitter, causing the ends of friendships, relationships and even lives.
“I couldn’t take it anymore. She kept live tweeting every goddamn thing that happened on the show. I turned off my text alerts first, but the e-mails still came through. I turned off the e-mails but somehow she still popped up on my Facebook because she had it set to automatically forward everything from Twitter. I couldn’t escape it. I lived with the damn woman and she never once would listen to me. I just wanted to see the damn show with my own eyes, but no, she had to spoil it, every damn time. I smothered her with a pillow in her sleep. I’ll never be a free man again, but at least I can watch The Walking Dead at my leisure, in prison. No spoilers here. You get a shiv to the back for that sort of thing.” Clarence Ford filled us in on his woes and newfound single life.
For the less drastic members of our aching society, divorce rates have also climbed thanks to spoilers. No longer are unemployment, adultery and insecurity expect to be the leading cases of divorce next year. The Walking Dead’s list of casualties is expected to grow this season, and with each new death will come plenty of real world victims. Whether it’s another relationship ended or a life taken, it’s clear that if the spoilers don’t end, we all will.