There are more songs out there than there are people. More than just simple poetry put to music, a good song can stir up deep feelings, happiness, crying, and the whole gamut of human emotion. Others might make you angry, giving you the cause to stand up and do what is right, or inspire you to change something you don’t like. Unfortunately, most of them have terrible lyrics that rhyme “head” with “said” and lots of words that sing about absolutely nothing.
Over the short years I have been on this world, I’ve heard a ton of lyrics that made me feel weird and uncomfortable. Not because they were saying anything disgusting or offensive, but because something was just awkwardly out of place or strange with them. So today I give you the Most Awkward Song Lyrics I Can Remember ever hearing. Sure, there are songs out there with much worse lyrics, but these are the ones that just… well, just read and you’ll see what I mean.
- Madonna – I Love New York:
“I don’t like cities but I like New York. Other places make me feel like a dork.”
Well, if there is anyone that can accurately describe what a whale penis feels like, I guess it would be Madonna. There are way too many songs about New York, but Madonna’s entry is the only one that rhymes New York with dork. Kudos to her. If only she could have done something with it a little more… I dunno, amazing?
- America – Horse With No Name:
“There were plants and birds and rocks and things.”
I actually love this song, but I kind of want a song about the desert to be just a little less lazy. I can find plants bird and rocks and things at the park, in the forest, in my back yard, at the projects, and in every Grand Theft Auto game released yet. I bet you that if I were to step outside right now, the first things I would notice are plants, birds, rocks and things.
- Live – The Dolphin’s Cry:
“Love will lead us, she will lead us. Can you hear the dolphin’s cry? See the road rise up to meet us.”
If a dolphin cries and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Live has had some great songs with decent lyrics but this isn’t one of them. You would think that this song was about saving the whales, recycling, and making sure you remember to cut your plastic soda can rings so that it doesn’t choke dolphins. When reading the lyrics it actually seems like most of the song is about f*cking. Yep.
- Puff Daddy – Victory:
“You just mad cause I tell it how it is and you tell it how it might be.”
Ahh, Puff Daddy, P-Diddy, Poop Dingle, or whatever else he wants to be called. There is no greater lack of talent in show business than this guy. In his song Victory, he is trying to come off all hard and “gangsta” but when he delivers this line, at the end of a verse, you can’t help but laugh. OOOOOh, so hardcore! He got you! You be tellin’ it how it might be! What you gonna do now?
- Donovan – Mellow Yellow:
“Electrical banana is gonna be a sudden craze. Electrical banana is bound to be the very next phase.”
Another song I like but can’t help scratching my head at. It has been over 50 years since this song was released and yet there is still no electrical banana craze. What the hell is an electrical banana anyway? Wait a second, this song is about a vibrator? Uh… dude, why are you singing about a vibrator?
- Vanessa Williams – Colors Of The Wind:
“Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?”
I hate this song. Always have. This line bothers me so much that I want to stab wolves everywhere with ears of corn. What sucks about that even more is that I like wolves. Hell, werewolves are my favorite monsters, but this touchy-feely song about nature and the wrong doings towards native Americans just has to go. I’m not a fan of musicals or music from Disney movies in general, and still this has to be the worst lyrics from any of those songs yet. Eat my undigested blue corn shit, Vanessa Williams.
Shakira – Whenever, Wherever:
“Lucky that my breasts are small and humble so you don’t confuse them with mountains.”
Well, thankfully she let everyone know. Imagine how awkward it would have been with people were setting up tents around her crotch and dressing in climbing gear. The only good thing about these lyrics is that no one would pay someone else to write something this dumb, so apparently she must have written the song herself, right? Wrong. She had help with some guy name Tim Mitchell on this one. He doesn’t have any language barrier excuse that she could have had, so what the hell gives?
- Sixpence None The Richer – Kiss Me:
“Kiss me out of the bearded barley.”
In the list of places that you should make out with someone, anywhere near where they are harvesting beer ingredients is a dead last. Following it up with more crappy lyrics like “You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress,” only makes it even worse. Who needs to get dressed up just to mess around in someone’s barn? Damn country bumpkins need to find more interesting shit to do.
- Avril Lavigne – When You’re Gone:
“And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor and they smell just like you.”
Uh… ew? Who just randomly leaves clothes at someone’s house? Beyond that, why are they such a dirty and messy bastard? I mean, not only did he leave them on a pile on the floor, but they also smell. Did the guy leave the house naked? If he doesn’t live there he shouldn’t have so much extra clothes to wear after leaving. Well, at least this wasn’t Avril’s most genius lyrics like, “He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?” This girl is full of fail.
- REM – Leaving New York:
“It’s easier to leave than to be left behind. Leaving was never my proud.”
Besides dancing and sex, the most played out song subject matter is New York. I can’t think of a single good song that sings the praises of the Big Apple but there are already two songs on this list that are rotten to the core. REM manages to make the most confusing entry of the two. I didn’t know that the word “proud” could be used in the same way as “My bad!” I think Merriam-Webster would have major issues with this, and so should anyone else that speaks English. First he lost his religion and then he lost his diction.
- Natalie Imbruglia – Torn:
“I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel. I’m cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor.”
Call me crazy, but if I didn’t write my own music I’d be very selective about the songs I sing and the words I’d choose. The chorus for Torn has so much going on and none of it is good. We can assume that the whiny bitch singing the song is telling us how she feels so she doesn’t need to proclaim it within the song. We know that already. Then she tells us that she’s ashamed and naked on the floor. I wonder which came first? I know I’d be embarrassed if someone walked in on me pretending to be a baby Tarzan, just writhing in the nude. It would be awesome if she was naked, doing splits, on a splintery wood floor. That would teach her. Then she would really be torn.
- Common featuring Canibus – Making A Name For Ourselves:
“I’m your worst nightmare squared. That’s double for niggas who ain’t mathematically aware.”
Hmm. Let me do the math on this one. 3+3=6 but 3² is 9. Sorry guys, you’re totally wrong on that one. Not every number, doubled, is the same as it being squared. In fact, I think that only works for the number 2. Who’s not mathematically aware now, bitches!
- Limp Bizkit – Nookie:
“I did it all for the nookie. The nookie. So you can take that cookie and stick it up your, yeah! Stick it up your yeah! Stick it up your yeah!”
Dude, if you gave me a cookie I would eat it. Fred Durst apparently refers to an ass as a “yeah.” So does that mean whenever he yells out “Yeah, Limp Bizkit!” he is actually yelling “Ass, Limp Bizkit?” It would make sense. He has a fascination with baked goods and anuses, so it would make sense. I just don’t understand the self-censorship. The same album has him yelling “Next in line to get f*cked up, your best bet is to just stay away, mother f*cker.” Weird.
- Sade – Smooth Operator:
“Coast to coast, LA to Chicago, western male. Across the north and south, to Key Largo, love for sale.”
Last time I checked, Chicago wasn’t on a coast, but I guess you need it to rhyme with Key Largo. I guess you’re allowed to not know where US cities are when you come from another country, but then don’t write songs about it. I should write a song about places I’ve never been to and say that Iceland is so frozen but Greenland has amazing shrubs.
- The Black Eyed Peas – My Humps:
“I met a girl down at the disco. She said ‘Hey, hey, hey you, let’s go.”
Nothing is worse than a cheap rhyme, but when you are so desperate to get a line to work that you use the same word three times to fill in space, you should just quit. The Black Eyed Peas were actually decent until Fergie came along, and now all they put out is garbage. Of course, lowering their capabilities is what made them blow up, but the fact that Will.I.Am has the worst and most awkward line in one of their worst songs says a lot about what they have become. They got retarded in here, and once you go full retard you can never come back.
- Saves The Day – See You:
“I don’t think that I’ve got the stomach to stomach calling you today.”
I don’t think I’ve got the insults to insult this lyric today. He could have said guts, nerve, or anything else instead of the first “stomach” but he just wouldn’t change it. Thank you for calling the redundancy department of redundancy. This lazy kind of lyric writing drives me nuts. This is why Emo rock will never be taken seriously. The lyrical content sounds like it is coming from teenagers, no matter how old the band members get. I don’t know if they ever saved anyone’s day, but it sure sounds like they saved time in the studio by just repeating words whenever they needed to crap a song out.
- The Police – De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da:
“Cause when their eloquence escapes you their logic ties you up and rapes you. ‘De do do do, de da da da,’ is all I want to say to you.”
Now, I totally get the point of him using gibberish in this song. The lyric says it all. He has lost his eloquence. Still, once they named the song after the one part in the chorus with no real words, it came full circle. Being raped by logic must really suck if it drives you to meaningless mumbling, especially when other songs from the same band have references to literature, philosophy and scientific concepts. Sting is no idiot but he kind of dropped the ball on this one.
- Elton John – Your Song:
“If I was a sculptor, but then again, no.”
The most awkward thing you can do is start a sentence and decide not to finish it. We all do that, but we don’t all permanently put it out there for the world to hear in a big hit song. Worse than that is that it sounds like he was going for some sort of cliche that compares a person’s beauty to a piece of art, but then realized it doesn’t give the “if i had all the money in the world” aspect he was looking for. The whole song is awkward, trying to seem like a genuine work of off the cuff words that someone might write in a letter filled with passionate feelings. Unfortunately, it comes off like that passionate person has a multiple personality disorder, ADD, and commitment issues. Elton John also didn’t write this song himself. Good for him. Actually, no, that pisses me off even more. The song is all about how he wrote a song for someone and he didn’t even write THIS damn song!